Sometimes essays write themselves in less than 15 minutes. This is one of them.
I have gone dark ops1 for the last ten years with little to no explanation. And, not just with people who would know why, but also with people who wouldnβt.
I donβt know much about how to process the last decade except that, right now, I feel like Iβve been born again, and yes, I mean that in the biblical sense. Itβs like a weird blackout curtain has been drawn but, this time, fully. Actually, it feels like I grabbed this iron curtain with both hands and tore it down with every remaining ounce of strength I had. Itβs a very freeing feeling; Iβll never let it go again.
When it finally hit me, I felt like I could breathe again. I finally responded to messages I had been meaning to get back to.2 I started regularly communicating with people. I started working out again, doing the stuff I love, and actually going outside and getting some fresh air just because I wanted to. I stopped being so cagey and shifty on the outside and thinking that everyone was a potential enemy. I returned to my ultra-positive self, and I started trusting people a little bit, tooβnot stupidly or naively, but with perspective and grace.3
I donβt know why I had to go through the journey for this long. But, I finally reached escape velocity last spring, and now, I feel like Iβve landed back on planet Earth. Maybe, though, Iβm on a new planet. Maybe Iβm on Earth 2.0 for the next journey, like a video game portal to the next world to accomplish the next mission.
Almost ten years ago, it felt like right was wrong and wrong was right. It felt like I lived in βopposite landβ. I had grown up with a soul that glistened when it realized just how many dreams you could achieve in life; I was SO excited for the future! And then, it got very cold, very quickly.
In a way, I feel like I just started sitting and waiting to see if the winds would change. Certainly, I prepared in the meantime, but I just couldnβt believe that even the optimist within me was giving up. She was so tired of fighting to keep the embers alive but, God, she never stopped trying. And, I wish I could tell her, βthank youβ. But, I think I have an even better planβto say βthank youβ with my actions, with my dreams, and with becoming everyone and everything I am meant to be.
For those who have been so understanding over the course of the last decade, thank you. And, to those who could not be understanding because they simply didnβt know what was going on, I understand.
It has not been the easiest for me to be around myself, either, but I wasnβt going to walk out on that little optimist endlessly trying to keep the ember going. I wasnβt going to turn out the lights and squash the last of the eternal flame. And, when I thought I would, my mom stopped me. God stopped me, and He kept inserting these really optimistic friends in my path who, whether they knew it or not, also stopped me.
There is most definitely a reason for the season in life, and you wouldnβt have heard that as loudly, clearly, and confidently from me while I was in the tunnelβthe most you may have heard would have been whispers from a sore and desolate place clutching to the last strand of the most desperate, fleeting hope. But, I can tell you this much: you will most certainly make it; you just have to believe.
Only then will you run free.
A little wiser now from what youβve shown me. ππ₯³ππ
sincerely, yours truly
Little to no communication; under the radar, so to speak
At this point, it might be more symbolic for me than meaningful for them, but I am okay with that; I realize that, for some reason, this is all part of the journey as well.
Benefit of the doubt with self-protective tendencies, or optimistic realism of peopleβs nature, if you will